Numb.

At one point during my first year, I was able to reconnect with an old friend and boy whom I fell for at a young age. Our story was just like any other Nicholas Sparks' book. We met in middle school & I instantly liked him, barely knew him, but I knew that I would be with him at some point in my life. Here comes the heart ache...my dad found a new job and it made us

relocate. I would now be finsihing high school nine hours away from this boy whom I thought I had a future with.

But when high school graduation started approaching, I reconnected with that boy (now a man considering he was in college during this time) and we found out that I would be going to a university that was only an hour and a half away from him. Sounds "Spark-ish" doesn't it?

Girl & boy meet in middle school...like each other....girl moves away...3 years later, they go to college an hour away from each other....start dating....

Right?

We were able to make the long distance work during the whole summer between my freshman and sophmore year. It was so great! I mean how many people could say that they were lucky enough to be dating their best friend? I felt like I was on top of the world. During my freshman & sophmore year of college, he was amazing. I was so happy and thankful for him.

So where did the love & admiration for one another stop?

Well honestly....I don't know.

To jump ahead to the summer after my sophmore year, I had decided to live close to him so we wouldn't be so far from one another. Here I am: a 20 year old, living on her own in an old cottage, working in her old town where her boyfriend is only five minutes away. Sounds perfect, right?

Sadly, this is where the Sparks book causes an "unexpected" (but totally

predictable) twist.

Lies. Secrets. Heartbreak.

When I would hang out with him...I would get this weird feeling like I was a burden. As if I didn't belong or that he simply didn't want me next to him. I could tell something had changed; could see it in his eyes. We talked less. Saw each other less. Until one day, he told me he didn't know if he loved me anymore.. Few days later, he went on as if he never told me that. As if it never happened. By this time, I felt completely numb. Numb about everything.

I would go to work...numb. I would work out...numb. I would try to eat...numb. I would hang out with him....numb. Try to talk with him....numb. It was as if nothing around me mattered anymore because this man who I am so in love with, doesn't know if he loved me or not, but didn't want to lose me. Numb.

Jumping forward, it's my junior year of college.. I'm still with this man. Then one morning, I get a message from a friend that tells me that I need to talk with my boyfriend about a few things. That was the most stressful, heartaching moment of my life. Turns out that there were a few things that had been hidden from me, that matched up with something I was worried about before.

Long story short....I ended the year & a half long realtionship a few weeks later. I finally realized that I couldn't trust someone who had lied to me for months. This man was a person whom I loved for nine (9!) years of my life, who I trusted all of those years, but he still kept things from me for no reason. To save us from having a fight. This was the most mind blowing thing about the whole time I spent with that man. He lied to save us from having a fight....but he risked everything for those little lies and lost me.

How does a girl come back from being emotionally & physically numb? Honestly...

I prayed. A LOT. I was so afraid to talk to anyone because I didn't trust anyone. I didn't want to trust anyone. I knew him for 9 years and he lied to my face. How could I talk to anyone who I knew for less than that? So I turned to the man I could always trust (besides my father & brother of course!)....God.

He knew what was in my heart. My mind. Everything. He was the only one who was there for every conversation. Every night I cried. Every time I would sit up at night wondering where I went wrong, why I wasn't good enough or what I did. But then six months after the relationship ended, I finally felt confident again. I felt happy again. I was getting my life back together. Things were looking up for me again. All because I turned to God and put all of my trust in him.

Now don't get me wrong. This man isn't a bad man...we simply fell out of love. I have forgiven him and still hope the best for him. You can't hold on to someone who has simply fallen out of love with you. It's not healthy for either person. He is still a great man and one who I was lucky to share a part of my life with. But he just isn't the same man who felt love for me. And that's something I will & have already accepted.

Heartbreaks are hard. Relationships are hard. But just because this one ended with an open cut on my heart, doesn't' mean that there isn't someone else waiting to patch up the wound and help the scar fade.

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